motherhood isn't for sissies

Motherhood is difficult.

I think the last 4 weeks have worn me out more than anything else in my life.

I love my little boy so SO incredibly much, 

but boy do I miss sleep sometimes.

Motherhood is not easy by any means.

Yes, babies eat, sleep, poop, and want to be held.  

That's pretty much it.  

But until you have a baby of your own, you'll never quite understand how time consuming those few things can be.

My little Ollie loves nothing more than to be cuddled and loved.

He sleeps curled up on my chest, day and night.  

It's nearly the only place he's content to sleep for longer than 10 minutes at a time. 

And so I let him.

He balls his little hands up and curls them under his chest.  

He desperately kicks his legs and pushes off my stomach until he can scoot his tiny body up my chest and nestle his head in the crevice of my neck.

And once he's all cozy and content, 

he falls asleep, taking deep, even breaths.  

I love it. 

I love feeling so needed.

It's like he depends on me for everything.

And somehow it's this thought that makes everything worth it.

As much as I love and cherish cuddling 24/7 with my little man, it means slacking off on other things.

And I know that laundry and dishes aren't THAT important,

but things are definitely piling up around these parts.  

I have a sink full of dishes, a scattered mess I used to call a living room, 

a bedroom full of clutter and chaos, unwashed clothes laying around, and clean clothes still sitting in my dryer. 

In the last couple weeks the most elaborate meal I've made has been quesadillas.  

And like I said, I know these things aren't THAT important, but there are other things that I can only put off for so long...like eating for one.  Finding time to eat, shower, brush my teeth, and even go to the bathroom has become a challenge every day. 

Is Ollie asleep?  How much time do I have until he gets up?? Enough for a granola bar or a glorious bowl of cereal?  Enough for a quick 2 min shower or the good kind of shower where I actually wash my hair?

Yep, these are the thoughts that go through my head on any given day during nap time. 

And like I said, since he'll only sleep somewhere (other than on me) for 10 minutes at a time, I gotta move fast these days.

I've spent more time crying than I care to admit.  

Crying because I'm exhausted from lack of sleep.

Crying because I can't seem to accomplish anything around my house anymore.

Crying because breastfeeding has been worse than pregnancy and labor in so many ways.

Crying because Oliver was crying.

Crying because the thought of not crying made me cry.

Yeah, I've been a little crazy lately.

My hubby has seriously been my biggest support ever.

Despite the fact that he's also exhausted, attending grad school full time, auditing an elective class, and working part time, he's somehow found a way to prioritize me and Ollie.  

Gosh I love him.  I honestly married a wonderful man.

There are so many things that make motherhood worth it.

But there are also so many things no one tells you about.

But to be honest, that topic deserves a whole post of its own.  

So there you have it.  

That's motherhood so far.  

Wonderful in so many ways and yet challenging beyond belief.  

I can't wait to see my adorable little man grow up.

But for now, I'm happy and content letting him snuggle down on my chest for an afternoon nap.